They say blood is thicker than water, but you know
that isn’t true at all. He used to think that. He who
thought I should always have to “respect” him, no
matter what. What a terrible way of thinking, isn’t it?

I’m silent on purpose,
shielding myself from you.
Every time I try,
nothing seems to get through.

Now I say respect loosely because he never had mine.
He just assumed he automatically had it, but for me it
had to be earned. It wasn’t just given because he was my
father. I use the term father here loosely as well.

Exhausting and painful,
it isn’t fair to me;
you hear what you want, but
why can’t you just see?

I would tell him this too and let’s just say it never
made him too happy. To hear that I didn’t believe
I had to do everything he said. Or even have to
talk to him at all. In a way it made me happy, to
see him realize he couldn’t control me.

I just want to be accepted
without having to worry.
Your “consequences” too severe
and for that you should be sorry.

He especially didn’t enjoy when I yelled
back at him. Standing up for myself when he thought
he could say whatever he wanted to me. Weird isn’t
it, how him berating me helped me gain self-confidence?

For now I am afraid
that I ‘ll never be rid
of the sadness and betrayal,
years of which you did.

To this day I still don’t think he will ever realize
what he did was wrong because even though he would
apologize over and over, but you know he was never
really sorry. When someone says sorry it’s supposed to
mean they won’t do it again. Right?

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